“At just 20 years of age, I hated my life. I wanted to run away from everything, and I knew that was not possible, so I wanted to die.” 

Growing up in a typical middle-class family, I met my family's and my own expectations. Life at that time was- study well, score well and you’d be sorted. However, the teenage years came with lots of new experiences, some I handled well and some I couldn't. For the first time, I experienced the feeling of not getting what I love with all my heart, the feeling of rejection by someone, and then the feeling of rejecting myself. With life moving into the career-shaping phase, I thought running away from the feeling could help. I ran too hard, but at last, the demons inside caught me, and there I was, sitting alone in the classroom to self-harm, all set to end my life. As I hurt myself, I realized it would be too painful- both physically and emotionally. So, I stopped the act, but the feeling never really left me. 

As a 20-year-old, when life put me in a difficult situation, one of the options to tackle it was to die. The option was least preferred and, at times, the most preferred one, too, but it was there, constantly. The actual reason for me trying to end my life was- not finding love (which I eventually found in the most beautiful of ways), but somehow, that experience stayed like that thin, faded scar on my wrist. 

Over the months, my mental health deteriorated from panic and anxiety attacks once a month to weekly and then daily and to multiple episodes of it on a single day. It was like a vicious loop I had fallen into, and I was falling deeper each day. I was distancing myself from all my loved ones. I was distancing myself from myself. 

This continued for six months when, one fine day, I found a free helpline number. As I was completely hopeless, I found hope in that number. I called, and luckily, someone picked up. It was a psychiatrist. We talked for about an hour, and the advice I got was to make my emotions stable and to try meditating.

I had nothing else to work for me. It was like my rock bottom state, so I said okay, I'll try. And that day, that call, that spirit of “I'll try” changed my life completely. I started meditating, reading, and journaling. I started getting solutions to fight back life. I had an attitude of not giving up. I saw myself reconnecting with my friends and family, and slowly things started changing. I fought, and I won - from struggling to meditate for a minute, I could do 10 minutes of unguided meditation, from struggling to pen my feelings down, I could write pages about it. From losing hope and thinking of dying, I started exploring options to live and make it work. 

Do you know why? Because I tried. I tried to live and give life a second chance, and it opened its arms to embrace me.

I still struggle at times, but I know that I will be able to pass the struggle, and I'll be able to conquer it. Suicide might still come as an option in my mind, but I can subside it. I know I am not healed fully, but yes, I can identify my triggers, I am now able to seek help and pour my feelings out. I'm able to try again.