At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder. BPAD is a major mood disorder and there are extreme mood fluctuations that can result in episodes of mania or depression.

Initially, I was perplexed about the whole situation and my condition as I was too young to handle all of it, along with the stigma attached to mental health back then. I had issues with myself and even felt guilty about having a mental ailment and life just seemed meaningless. I had suicidal ideation and once I probably did try and end my life. I remember vividly how this ailment took a serious toll on my academics and from scoring great marks in Mathematics in Grade X, I felt completely clueless about Mathematics in Grade XI. Eventually, my confidence shattered to the point that I flunked and left Mathematics in Grade XII.

This was not just about not excelling in a subject, it was about self-doubt and existential crisis. This was the first time I thought of suicide. And later it became so detrimental that during my Grade XII boards, I didn’t want to take the economics exam! I clearly remember telling my family about it and it was my elder sister who told me that it is just an exam, give it because even if you fail, you will mean the same to us. With anxiety and fear, I went for the exam and cleared it as well! 

But somewhere I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I didn’t top the boards and couldn’t get the marks I wanted.

I constantly kept having thoughts about suicide and once I just tried to put an end to all of the racing thoughts and depression as well as mania but gradually I realized that suicide is not the solution because it really doesn’t end the suffering. In fact, you lose a life that could have been carved into something beautiful.

I have been fortunate that my family took me to a psychiatrist way back in 2009 which I believe was a progressive step. Since then I have been on medication and have undergone therapy. I also started rationalizing my thoughts and identifying my triggers.

There are a few things that helped me realize and accept the fact that life is the most important gift all of us have and there are ways in which we can make our condition better. I would like to talk about two aspects viz family and relationships & professional life.

First, talk about your condition to someone you can confide in be it a family member or friend, and take professional help. I was motivated to talk to my family because there had always been an environment of open discussion in my family. Be it regarding menstruation or religion. My grandmother was the one I confided in without fear as she was willing to understand things and keep pace with the times. Yes, initially there were talks of superstition regarding my condition as well but later my family felt that there is more to what meets the eye. 

Second, be very clear about your mental health at your workplace and talk to your organization about your condition. Yes, it is difficult at times to explain but I strongly believe if you are honest, you will have your way. Initially, I was in a dilemma about whether to be vocal about my mental health especially at the workplace as I had been taking a lot of leaves and it was really difficult to explain all the time. Also, there was a risk of being perceived as incompetent. But both in my previous institution and the current one, I was able to talk to my authorities and explain to them that I suffer from an illness and I was relieved that they took it in a manner that I actually could focus on my health.

So, the young girl who was unwilling to take the Economics exam is now a NET-qualified Assistant Professor of Economics and this journey has been challenging yet living has been the best choice I made!

Today I keep a check on my triggers, take my medication on time, take therapy sessions, and keep track of my sleep schedule. Also, I write a lot especially poetry as it is really therapeutic to me.

At last, I would like to say that death may seem a solution but courage lies in living. Courage is not absence of fear ! Real courage lies in looking at your vulnerabilities and accepting them as a part of you and making peace with them and overcoming your fears.

Mental Health is a basic human right and you must break the stigma around it.

Acceptance is a great jewel especially when you accept yourself and embrace your mental illness, it makes you realize that you are way beyond that illness and it is just a part of you and doesn’t define you!

If I can, you can as well! Life is precious.