I wanted to study biotechnology badly so I thought I'd try for a master's in biotech. I appeared for the IIT jam and managed to clear it with a good score but unfortunately, I couldn't get into college because I didn't have a bachelor's in biotech. It was a further blow to my self-confidence. I had completely lost all hope by then. In addition to that, my parents were constantly asking why I couldn’t get a job when all of my friends got one. Everyday. It was exhausting. I had put on a lot of weight. I couldn't bring myself to do anything and above all that my mother started fat shaming me. It was hard to face that my mother was more concerned with how I looked while I could hardly make myself wash my hair in weeks. I was so disgusted with myself that I stopped taking any photos of myself. For two years of my life, there's not a single photo of me. I constantly thought about how much of a burden I was to my family. And me dying would probably be better for everyone concerned.

The self-harm started early because of an abusive relationship and later I coped with that. I felt so numb so I cut myself up to feel something. I was very close to slitting my wrist many times during those nights but only my partner kept me hanging by a thread. And then COVID hit and during the early days, people were providing free counselling sessions. I didn't hope for much, but I contacted a therapist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Talking it out with somebody honestly helped me figure out things and I'd forever be grateful for their help.

They helped me with a very difficult decision in my life and I'm still unsure if it was the right decision and I'm still figuring it out. Even today, I'm not fully okay. But I try to be more compassionate with myself and take it one day at a time. When I look at my older photos, I notice my smile and laugh getting smaller and smaller until it disappears. Now that I'm a little older, I'm learning to forgive my parents and move on. I've moved out and I’m doing something I always wanted. And I hope I'll make something good out of my career and get my smile back.

My therapist helped me come to terms with my anger and frustration with my mother’s actions. It helped me make peace with it and allowed me to move on from all the hurt and disappointments. I understand they did the best they could. She helped me make a major decision in my career by guiding me and getting guidance from other people as well. Currently, I’m pursuing what I always wanted to do and it’s going well.

Drawing from personal experience, I’d suggest everyone stand up for themselves and do what they love and not care about what others say. At the end of the day, it’s your life and your happiness that matters the most. It’s not too late to pursue the job or career you wanted to. It’s okay to do things at your own pace and not compare yourself with others’ success.