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I picked up the paint brush. 

Sixth time this month. 

The palette is a sunset sky 

But my brushes reach for the night sky 

White stars and moon 

Black clouds and silhouettes 

The dead cold canvas yearns for the gentle touch of the brush Painting it alive, bit by bit. 

I picked up the paint brush. 

Sixth time this month. 

The strokes suddenly turning aggressive 

As if the painter has finally unleashed the beast. 

With every attack on the dead canvass, an addictive madness settles within. Again and again 

Striking the dead creature till the strokes are darker than death itself. 

I picked up the paint brush. 

Sixth time this month. 


My body is the canvas 

The paint brush a knife.

On 8th April 2022, I turned 19. I did not know while celebrating and cutting the cake that day, that by the end of that week I'd desperately wish to never cut a birthday cake again. Such is life with Borderline Personality Disorder. One moment you're in love with life and the very next moment you wish to end it. Very black and white. You wish to end it not because you want to die but because you want the pain of having such intense emotions to die. It's almost as if having a bullet hole in place of your heart that keeps expanding until one day it consumes you completely like a black hole. And when emptiness becomes the background music of your life you end up resorting to self harm practices that, ironically, gives you momentary relief from intense psychological pain. And at that very moment you believe at your core that you can not be helped.

But to anyone facing similar experiences, I just want to tell you one thing that my beloved friend keeps reminding me during my darkest self harm phases and has helped me to stay alive. It is that you just have to focus on the next baby step. That's it. And baby steps aren't perfect. You will fall. You will get hurt. You might also just sit for a while and rest if that's what it takes for you to get back up again. Yes, it is an excruciatingly painful experience but if you keep at it, eventually, you will learn to walk. Just focus on the next baby step. What is that one thing that will help you feel 1% better? Even if there is nothing at all, stay. Stay wherever you are. Focus on staying for the next 1 second, and then keep on adding seconds. And before you know it, a year and a half will pass and you will also probably be writing blogs to help other people going through similar experiences like I am right now!


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